Through the OBSCURING FOG….

When I was sixteen, life was about who looked the prettiest? It was about growing nails, painting them, eating oily and spicy from the vendors with no concern over hygiene, craving for the limelight, desiring appreciation and compliments and wearing fancy clothes.

It was all about ME. Me in the NOW time with no visualization of the future.

Life was easy. To me, grades were easy, money- moderately easy, and luck- didn’t ever complain. Evening with friends and night in deep sleep, morning with regular routine and afternoon random chattering - some self-generated but largely inspired by the social media. 

When I turn back and look at that sixteen year old me, I see a brain fogged teenager, rather naïve. Nevertheless, life was fun. Ignorance was bliss. 

When I was nineteen, I was put in a life-race.

It was still foggy but I could see my opponents running beside me. The social current turned me to a direction based upon my academic performance and I kept on running, blending to their idea. To me, what the intelligent minds of society had commanded was the right thing. Life was about fulfilling expectations and winning the race.

By the end of teenage, I was in a Med-school. I was in the midst of crowd, everybody in a rush but confident and determined. And there I was, confused and bewildered.

Life wasn’t a piece of cake anymore. Reading, learning or memorizing, to avoid those trespassing tears in the next viva, life was about living though it wasn’t the best time. I learned to become quiet and typically an introvert, started enjoying my own company, fluctuating between elation and euphoria to depression and cry spells. It made me realize that there will be times when I have to do things alone, on my own. And that there are only few important people to whom I really matter.

But they say that whatever doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, and so I was. 

The fog around me was slowly replaced with streaks of shining bright light and I grew more responsible, sensible and confident.

The little conversations that stimulated my tear glands in the past slowly developed resistance. I am not embarrassed of my chores today, don’t avoid the little errands that I have to run, value the non-polished but important issues, and can confidently trust my little instincts shaped by the years of life lessons.

More importantly, it made me realize that life is way beyond the tiny shell in which I was living, there are variety of people, some having joy greater than mine whereas many with sorrow beyond my imagination. I now understand how privileged I am, for which I barely thanked.

The wheels of time has just began to shape ME into a “better ME”. I have evolved but not enough. I am not yet complete and definitely not perfect. Life has grown out of the teenage years and so has the challenge.

Currently, I am in my mid-20s and life isn’t simple as before. It’s more like running a maze, physical and a mental game, risk of uncertainty threatening my confidence, hassles like distractions and lethargy surrounding to invade me, and arguing voices commanding me to “keep going” or “let it go”.

I know, I have to get out of here, out of this chaos and far into my freedom.

What I have taught myself is that my freedom is dependent on my hard-work and that I should never be fearful of struggles. Discipline is the key, indeed hard to achieve but not impossible. Eyes full of dreams despite scarce of ideas to reach to one, makes me frustrated at times, but I know that my best bet is to get up and keep going. And as I move forward, I know that doors will open up for me. 

Just like in the song – “the climb” of Miley Cyrus, it’s the climb that matters the most. Currently, my toughest opponent is myself, because nobody else is holding me back. 

I am not sure which end of the maze I will get out, but I am definitely going to reach somewhere beautiful.

Dear God,

Guide my path.